NEAR DEATH FRUGALITY
It seems like a beautiful day.
Until evening comes
Pedestrians in clusters pass by,
And a car almost hits one.
He crosses by her, willfully
while she steps back, fearfully.
He does it just so
He can stop, not far from,
Where he almost killed someone.
When a man needs to go shopping,
Walk backwards, he is not stopping.
He will smoother you into cement
With rubber circled shoes that make you bend.
No time to wipe her face,
For her tears are dropping.
He does not notice such disgrace,
His sight is focused on stocking.
She realises, she has nearly died!
The driver’s lust was too fast for her idle stride.
Oh, the existential burdens of life!
I wish I could scratch this reaper’s scythe!
The anger and vengeance that arised,
Reminds the mind:
Being human means balancing both sides.
Always remember to live like it is your last night,
For you will die, unaware of the time.
I wrote this after nearly being run over by a car, while I was crossing the road. The car was too fast and it came out of nowhere, so he should have seen me. Those situations remind us that life is so fleeting. It could have ended there for me and it so shall will, for us all.
What actually scared me most were my thoughts! I wanted to hurt him, I wanted to vandalise his car, which is not something I would approve of. And then, the subsequent thought is to reprehend yourself from thinking this or feeling anger. Then, anger is diverted towards thy self and you feel a dichotomy, at times, wondering, how many beings live in you?
Anger, is a human feeling and while we reside in this body, we will feel it. So, this is reminding me, I am human, what sets Humans apart from another is
- Their self-awareness (otherwise, anger will be seen as caused by someone’s antics, when in reality, our own perception of things propels it) .
THIS IS AN IMPORTANT DISTINCTION:
Feeling angry or threatened, does not mean the person had the intention to or actually did threaten you.
We need to account for our own views and meaning that we attach to situations. That is what creates the feeling. A combination of both. I call this – the “us” or “we” chemistry.
- What they choose to do with it. Anger, is a survivalist primal feeling and it serves as a protective layer, it serves to protect our vulnerability and feeling hurt or rejected or unworthy. I not only felt my life threatened, I felt unacknowledged and unworthy that day, when this guy ignored my presence on the road, prompting me to retract, for the sake of parking 2 meters away, so he could shop. Priorities, priorities…
This is also a lesson for the ego, for it is true: we are nothing. We are little speckles of nothingness in this voided world! I don’t exist in some people’s world and I never will. As they will never be part of mine. Now, try to tell that little girl inside the well, who grew up to believe she was “special”… she won’t budge.
If you are an existentialist, you will be able to see, this episode exposes my struggle with both “death-anxiety” and the feelings of “specialness”(why did it happen to me?). Well, life is about up and downs and we will feel pain, there is no such thing. “Why not, me?”, Wayne Dyer would enquire. Everything that happens is perfect and meant to be. Even disgrace as I came to learn. Despite my rational understanding, my emotions do not accept this. I still need to integrate my both sides. I am working on it.
One of the topics I have been studying and focusing on is Buddhism and Psychotherapy, concerning will power. There is a debate around the fallacy of the idea that we make conscious decisions. Many times, they have been made for you. Our thinking is partially moulded by external influences. Our family, teachers, bosses, friends. We may think we want something (marriage and kids), but the idea that this is what we need, has been ingrained into us by society. If interested, check this out:
– Thinking Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman – https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thinking,_Fast_and_Slow
It explains the thinking process and how much of it is made by the unconscious.
– [The One You Feed] 222: Jeff Warren on How to Meditate with a Busy Brain
http://podplayer.net/#/?id=48041896 via @PodcastAddict
And [The One You Feed] 221: Robert Wright on Why Buddhism is True
http://podplayer.net/#/?id=47752611 via @PodcastAddict
This podcast has saved my life! I devour each episode!
– Passive frame theory – by Ezequiel Morsella:
“In the new paper published in the journal Behavioral and Brain Sciences, associate professor of psychology at San Francisco State University Ezequiel Morsella posits just that in what he calls the “Passive Frame Theory.” Morsella suggests that the conscious does not do nearly as much as we thought. In fact, conscious thought is just a small fraction of what is happening in the brain. Instead, it is the unconscious that is doing everything for us, and we are completely unaware of it. (Medical Daily)
This Theory makes total sense to me. I have, not long, experienced conflict between my rational side and my impulsive irrational side. My irrational side is way stronger than any rational thinking I can come up with. This requires self compassion, because you end up fighting with yourself on top of trying to decide what is in your best interest? Knowing this, upsets me, when I hear people tell me: you are an adult, you know what to do. Yet, little do they know, what is happening inside their selves: currents and flows and floods and waves, carry your last steps. And even if your rational side is screaming for you to hit the break, you go full throttle, towards the wall! That is when you hit…and conclude: I am not listening to my feelings. I want to quench it. But, if I do, it means I made that choice, to not be…human”.