Can you see the face on this tree?
This is one aspect of my Alienmess I need to work on: How to become more invisible.
It is not that I wish not to be here. I wish to be elsewhere. Or to be on a revamped Planet Earth. I often think, while peddling my bike and seeing the row of jammed cars: If it was my kingdom, everyone would be cycling! Haha, there would be no cars – only public ones and for specific reasons. Only unable people would not cycle. Others can roller skate too. What matters is, the street is for people, not machines. That is just one aspect of this world, I find strange. Or at least, it is not how I would like to live. And I live, as best as I can, according to my rules.
There are aspects, I am yet to balance, though. I find it curious. Last year, I came to the realisation – and that was a sore eye opener – that no one can fully comprehend you or your experienced living. It is unique and personal. And as best as I may try, I too will not understand the other – fully. I used to think that keeping the communication channels as open and clear as possible, would counter that. But last year, I came to learn, it does not matter how much I explained myself and expressed my struggles, I was not heard by the listener. All the time spent talking to your loved one and realising, all this time you thought you were being heard and understood…you were fooled. It took me a whole year to absorb that realisation. It nearly drove me insane, then.
It takes a holistic person to get me. I do not feel understood by most and that is ok. But what I need to learn is how to keep my individuality to myself. I need to learn not to share my uniqueness to those, who I know do not understand.
But the other balancing ball is my need to express myself, regardless of what others think. My battle against reputation and shame. The more you speak of what shames you, the more you free yourself from it and quash it.
Ram Dass talks about that. His point is (I hope to make justice to that): when you release yourself from identification, it does not matter anymore. And I came to the same conclusions before. It does not matter what labels you will be imprinted with. You are a process, not it. So, words are only that, words. We imbue it with meaning. Interesting fact: I find the word “rape” to have a much stronger and heavier connotation on my language of origin than when I hear or say it in english. There is your individual relationship with the word, as well as the cultural relationship with it.
I know there are other Aliens like me. That is what makes being here worth it. The few times in the day you encounter these kind. I only wish I was circled by them all. So, while I swim in the middle of this human fleshed sea, I need to focus and work on – how to relate without showing up.
Off to work, I go.