(art by @billblake1757)
My thoughts are flowing out of me. The need to produce. The drive to recycle and reuse. Art. Make art. Yet, most of my time is spent being a robot. Not humanised. I work my art around my free time – yes. It often means I write a few lines when I go to the shops for coffee. That means squeezing it in between practical chores, socialising, feeding other need-areas of my life. It tends to result in a lack of sleep, lack of socialising and chores overwhelm (due to a lack of tackling).
Poetry. It has become a portal to art. Inside my well I go and write. Alongside poetry, which I utilise as a journalling, healing and self inquiry tool, my creative arms have stretched to visual art. After all, we have 6 senses, we must use them.
Music was my main art passion for many years. I was born and raised in a household where music was played as a bonding act. Dad would play the guitar and mom, the piano. I would sing. It was special. My sisters did not really participate. Perhaps, they never felt included, I wonder? OK, this is not the topic of discussion (*makes mental note to reflect on, later). I have a musical project with two of my mates. It is an incredible activity and it is my favourite time during the week. I only wish we had more time to work on this, so the project is going slow. Nonetheless, we have fun and this is gold, in the rat racing days.
But now? I am ready to do more. Curiosity and the exploration bug tell me this is not enough. Drawing is an art form I have been contemplating. I’ve decided I will do it, anonymously. I will create a persona and this time I will do it differently than with how I work on my poetry and music. It will be a solo journey. And I will not let it connect to Luiza/DivaState/Alice. The only purpose of it is to draw. Express and create. Work on the unconscious and what it brings. I’m curious to see…
I am starting on this journey today. Let creativity spill more and more ink, pixels, cartridges, whatever it may be.
This little quote might sound strange. If it does, that is because you cannot get it. Lucky you, in some ways.
A codependent person finds meaning in life by having someone to care for. More than having someone who cares for them. Their dharma in life is to help, rescue others. And so we think… As a result, you learn that the other comes first. Never ever you put on your oxygen mask first, before you put it on the baby. First time on an airplane can be confusing, for codependents.
I have been one. It’s important to clarify, we are all codependents (we need others to function) to a certain extent and our world seems to work better when there is collaboration x individuality. But codependents take it to another level.
For instance, see me. I was one. I am one. I have to really watch it not to fall under the codependent pattern which I have been working against. This is my achilles heel – attachment – finding meaning by caring for and being cared for another.
When I went through a break up, it was not the pain of losing that individual (thankfully it was not a huge loss). I was grieving for the loss of my meaning in life, my sense of self – how can I be in this world if I am not the carer? I had no one to tend to. It may sound weird, but we can assimilate ideas as children and those get ingrained in us. I recall a vivid image of me taking my younger sisters and showing them around on their first day of school. I remember helping them acquaint with the place. I think my mother delegated that task to me. As an obedient child (before I went a bit black – sheep) I assimilated to this extent that I feel responsible for others. Or better. FELT. This has been changing as I grow out of the codependent shell I had nested in for over 30 years.
Fast forward to this picture. I feel so comfortable with myself and more, I feel so unbound by my reputation (how others perceive you). It was not long ago I was online dating, which meant, handing in my confidence and sense of self to them. Once I found myself interested in someone, I would anxiously wait for the unveiling of what would not come. That is because when I put myself into that scenario, the codependency would rise up. After all, unconsciously, for a co dependent – if they cannot see me? The “me” I see may not exist”. That is because codependents seek validation from outside, not internal sources.
I was never a general codependent, that is, this pattern did not extend to all intimate relationships, only the ones that I valued most.
About the quote: someone may read it and think: oh, illiterate one. Let them. But codependents or codep in recovery may understand. I have reached a moment where I hold my heart, not on my sleeve, but on my hand. And that is pure acceptance. And all the validation I need.
Check out these gorgeous Scots Pine flowers.