Artistic Spirit – “Expandise”

(art by @billblake1757)

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My thoughts are flowing out of me. The need to produce. The drive to recycle and reuse. Art. Make art. Yet, most of my time is spent being a robot. Not humanised. I work my art around my free time – yes. It often means I write a few lines when I go to the shops for coffee. That means squeezing it in between practical chores, socialising, feeding other need-areas of my life. It tends to result in a lack of sleep, lack of socialising and chores overwhelm (due to a lack of tackling).

Poetry. It has become a portal to art. Inside my well I go and write. Alongside poetry, which I utilise as a journalling, healing and self inquiry tool, my creative arms have stretched to visual art. After all, we have 6 senses, we must use them.

Music was my main art passion for many years. I was born and raised in a household where music was played as a bonding act. Dad would play the guitar and mom, the piano. I would sing. It was special. My sisters did not really participate. Perhaps, they never felt included, I wonder? OK, this is not the topic of discussion (*makes mental note to reflect on, later). I have a musical project with two of my mates. It is an incredible activity and it is my favourite time during the week. I only wish we had more time to work on this, so the project is going slow. Nonetheless, we have fun and this is gold, in the rat racing days.

But now? I am ready to do more. Curiosity and the exploration bug tell me this is not enough. Drawing is an art form I have been contemplating. I’ve decided I will do it, anonymously. I will create a persona and this time I will do it differently than with how I work on my poetry and music. It will be a solo journey. And I will not let it connect to Luiza/DivaState/Alice. The only purpose of it is to draw. Express and create. Work on the unconscious and what it brings. I’m curious to see…

I am starting on this journey today. Let creativity spill more and more ink, pixels, cartridges, whatever it may be.

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On Codependency

Unfiltered
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This little quote might sound strange. If it does, that is because you cannot get it. Lucky you, in some ways.

A codependent person finds meaning in life by having someone to care for. More than having someone who cares for them. Their dharma in life is to help, rescue others. And so we think… As a result, you learn that the other comes first. Never ever you put on your oxygen mask first, before you put it on the baby. First time on an airplane can be confusing, for codependents.
I have been one. It’s important to clarify, we are all codependents (we need others to function) to a certain extent and our world seems to work better when there is collaboration x individuality. But codependents take it to another level.

For instance, see me. I was one. I am one. I have to really watch it not to fall under the codependent pattern which I have been working against. This is my achilles heel – attachment – finding meaning by caring for and being cared for another.
When I went through a break up, it was not the pain of losing that individual (thankfully it was not a huge loss). I was grieving for the loss of my meaning in life, my sense of self – how can I be in this world if I am not the carer? I had no one to tend to. It may sound weird, but we can assimilate ideas as children and those get ingrained in us. I recall a vivid image of me taking my younger sisters and showing them around on their first day of school. I remember helping them acquaint with the place. I think my mother delegated that task to me. As an obedient child (before I went a bit black – sheep) I assimilated to this extent that I feel responsible for others. Or better. FELT. This has been changing as I grow out of the codependent shell I had nested in for over 30 years.
Fast forward to this picture. I feel so comfortable with myself and more, I feel so unbound by my reputation (how others perceive you). It was not long ago I was online dating, which meant, handing in my confidence and sense of self to them. Once I found myself interested in someone, I would anxiously wait for the unveiling of what would not come. That is because when I put myself into that scenario, the codependency would rise up. After all, unconsciously, for a co dependent – if they cannot see me? The “me” I see may not exist”. That is because codependents seek validation from outside, not internal sources.

I was never a general codependent, that is, this pattern did not extend to all intimate relationships, only the ones that I valued most.

About the quote: someone may read it and think: oh, illiterate one. Let them. But codependents or codep in recovery may understand. I have reached a moment where I hold my heart, not on my sleeve, but on my hand. And that is pure acceptance. And all the validation I need.

Plenitude – journalling

Today has been a very special day. It is hard to put it into words, it cannot make justice. The experiential living once defined, becomes conceptual living, thus, constricted.

I am learning this new way of living, that allows me to connect with my energetic and vibrational form. It does not matter what my job is. Where do I live. What have I done. This was not where my attention focused on. I am enough and I have nothing. Empty and free.

Today, I didn’t have any plans. I didn’t have anyone to see or any task to accomplish. I walked out and smelled the flowers. So many roses of different colours and each had a singular smell. I sniffed it until the whorl blocked my nostrils. I sensed the softness of its texture and aroma, the juiciness of its petals.

I touched the plants, the leaves, trunks and petals. I looked and inspected the trees surrounding me. Lucky for me, close to my dwelling, there are many Irish Scots Pine trees, which I am currently flirting with. I learned about them as I read and analysed. I thought of a poem to write.

I walked on known territory. Routinary streets. This time, I have seen novelty. Every day can and will be experienced differently. I listened to The One You Feed Podcast and I felt the Universe corresponding once more. Many of the ways some of these scholars and spiritual teachers speak have been similar to my way of thinking about the world. Alternatively, the podcast presents me with new perspectives. Sometimes, what I am listening to, responds or offers more clarification on an issue or dilemma I was lost in thought, not long before. That indicates and reinforces something. Life has been unfolding and rediscovery is occurring, though it seems to show a new way of understanding, that is not individual to myself. It means, I am starting to see things on a much larger scale as some of these guys see. The collective unconscious can be experienced through attending to synchronicity. Because it is there but most times, our eyes, mind, body is focused elsewhere.

This reminds me of a conversation I just had a few days ago with a friend. He was talking about the existence of a “truth”. It is this true essence of how things are and work and operate. I am starting to understand what he meant. Like myself, he would have had the notion that truth is manipulated by perception. Today, I was able to feel this truth. It is in our reach, it flows in us. I am not even sure do we create this positive sensation in us or do we allow it to be felt. I think it is the latter option. This energetic flow is what ties us all. When we are in tune on that wavelength, we experience and connect. It’s like smiling at a stranger and them smiling back at the same time while you pass by one other. That feeling of joy that fills the chest and makes you love life.

I took a shower and bath time has become a ritual time for me. Sometimes I chant certain chakras (I am working on 3 currently), sometimes I practice gratitude or at others, I pray for myself (aka positive affirmations). I laddered myself with my favourite scented moisturiser and body spray. These are all acts of love. I am telling my body, I matter, I care, I take care of you. Trust me, this is new for me. Taking a shower, in the past, was just that. Now, it is a time to love myself.

Afterwards, I read for many hours. I bought 2 new books on this errand! One of them is Thinking Fast and Slow, which I have been reading on my kindle. Once I saw the book, I knew I had to buy it. This book has been showing up on my mental landscape quite often and it has helped me better understand how the mind, my favourite instrument, works. I am reading it once more, this time more attentively. But first, I need to finish Ivor Browne’s – Music and Madness which I am thoroughly enjoying. What a vanguard!

I also bought: The Ego is the Enemy by Ryan Holiday. He is a modern stoic and the subject interests me. I went to look for a pocket book of irish trees and mythology of irish goddess. I didn’t find them. I was looking in second hand shops, my first option.

I write so I remember. Today felt plene. It is ending. But this momentum, is only enhancing.

Purple is my favourite colour. This reminded my of the flower that shades and sits atop of my well. This well resides in my inner hidden garden. I will draw this image one day.

A bud swimming in another flower’s petal-sea.

The most tender, gentle, tiny flowers are protected by harsh, pointy, twisted shields.

My gorgeous lover, bowing upon my presence.

Control Or Flow

The need for control. I naively thought I could keep pain and worries away by looking ahead… how can you see, when there is a bright light at the end of the tunnel, blinding your next step? We all walk this unknown path, which is life, unaware of what is to come next, but some of us think they have walked this path before, thus, they think they know the way. Others, fear the dangers lurking and utilise planning as protection. Rather than planning your trip, just let the path take you and trust it is a safe and happy place. Release the illusion you are in control and enjoy the journey.

Source of Memory

The well of sorrows holds my keepsakes.
I go down, time and again
To bathe in its wisdom,
To learn from those teachers
I once used to hate.
They didn’t lead me astray,
No,
They helped straighten the way
So I could find what truly lies
Beyond the pain.
The road to walk might be windy and twisted
But it is your path, so rejoice in it
Tomorrow a new day awaits,
This is your chance,
To make it great!

Frost

The street is cold and dark
like the corners of my heart.
My face carries the mark
Of a smile that frowns so hard.
Porcelain tear comes out in bleak nights

St

ops right on the cheek, it never falls on site.
It scars the flesh, It fogs the eyesight.
The blackness that arises

To

take over from the day
It’s greedy in the Winter.
Won’t let the sun have its rays.
It freezes emotions,
Stalls any relations
And prompts us all to hibernate.
On this shivering evening,
If I had one wish tonight
I would have you blanket me
with your body over mine

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Little Red “Hiding” Hood

I hide my pain with red stained lettering.

Situations are turned into paraboles.

Imagery, metaphors and synonyms

All make part of my tool kit.

I heal, with each line I inscribe,

Bit by bit.

Pain is life, suffering is optional.

Storytelling allows you to reframe.

You decide

Where will your suffering remain

Inside yourself or inside a paper frame